Running Through Quarantine

We're approaching monsoon season in Santa Fe, when the heat of late June starts to dissipate, replaced by short, almost daily thunderstorms, leaving behind refreshing temperatures and a stillness in the air.  I don't like the feeling of humidity building up to the thunderstorm, but I do love the cool air, damp greenery, and lingering clouds over the mountains right afterwards.  I went for my early morning run just after a storm on Saturday morning.  My Saturday run is one of the most refreshing parts of my week, because it's my only guaranteed hour of "alone time" when I'm not a full-time healthcare provider or full-time parent, when I don't have to answer to anybody except myself, and when I can let go of the mental energy of being responsible for someone else and helping other people.  It was a really lovely morning for a run, and I was able to get out of the house early enough to not encounter many other people on the trail. The air was calm and I heard the birds waking up from their shelters after the rain.

I like to let my mind wander when I run and tune into what I'm feeling mentally and physically.  This week, my predominant sensation is exhaustion.  I'm so tired.  Like I could just blink and fall asleep standing up.  Anyone else feel this way lately?  The mental and emotional demands of this year are weighing on me.  I'm tired from being on the go nonstop between busy work and home lives, in an atmosphere of isolation that doesn't lend itself to togetherness or helping each other.  I'm tired of reading horrifying headlines day after day and coping with what feels like constant conflict.  I'm tired of thinking that this year can't get any worse, and then it does.  I'm tired of waiting for Breonna Taylor's murderers to be arrested.  I'm tired of the patriarchy.  I'm tired of COVID, and of not knowing what the next year will look like, not knowing when it will be safe to have visitors, or have play dates, or play sports, or travel.  I'm overwhelmed by the severity of the illness, by so many unknowns in the medical management of COVID, and the fear of long-term effects that we have yet to witness.  I'm tired of waiting for a vaccine (which is actually on track to being the fastest vaccine ever developed), and fearful that people won't actually get it when it becomes available.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm constantly needed by someone.  I'm tired of feeling inadequate in a lot of avenues of life this week.  I'm tired of Zoom calls in place of happy hours.  I'm tired of playing "musical beds" night after night with a breastfeeding infant and a strong-willed 3-year-old.  And as much as I love the joy and the energy of my household, sometimes I'm tired of the NOISE of two kids!  My family is amazing, but parenting an infant and a preschooler, meeting all of their physiological and psychological needs, maintaining my own sanity, while working on my marriage and supporting family members through their own stages of grief and anxiety, is constant work. 

I'm exhausted from trying to convince people to wear their masks, to care about other people, and to let go of their insistence that masks are a political statement rather than the public health mandate that they actually are.  I'm tired of witnessing the hypocrisy of white families chanting "Black Lives Matter" while simultaneously forming pods and hiring private tutors to keep their kids out of school, rather than brainstorming ways to help each other collectively and increasing equal access to resources.  I'm tired of people letting their negative attitudes affect everyone around them, while we should be lifting each other up.  I'm tired of waking up during the night with so many thoughts in my head.  I'm tired of my house looking like a tornado came through.  I'm so tired from the constant internal battle with every decision.   What is safe?  What is not?  What is sort of unsafe but worth the risk?   When can we see family members again?  When can we see friends?  I'm tired of the laundry and dishes that never end.  I'm tired of never having enough time.  I'm overwhelmed from supporting others at the expense of myself.  And in trying to get my fitness back postpartum, I'm physically tired and sore.  

Yet as I write all of this, I know that most people reading this are tired of (and from) the exact same things.  We are all fighting these battles together, doing our best to just get through one day at a time.  All mothers and caregivers and healthcare workers are seriously lacking in self-care right now, and we are all in this together.  Most of all, I'm tired from worrying, and from the unknown.  What will school look like?  What does the future of my profession look like?  How will our kids be impacted long-term by the events of this year?  How can I keep them safe and also help them thrive?  What will happen in the November election, and what direction will our country take in the upcoming year?  I think these are questions going through all of our minds right now. This year is really physically hard, with people out of work and housing and food insecurities worsening and people getting sick and losing their insurance.  But it's also really mentally hard, and that's just as important to address. 

Cloud appreciation during my post-rain run.

So while I ponder all of these things, I run.  And I breathe the air (through my mask, of course).  And admire the mountain view.  And I appreciate the things I have control over and the freedom I have to make choices for myself when everything else seems out of control sometimes.

Post-storm view of Sandia.  I love these clouds!

I was planning to do a 5-mile run in preparation for a 10K next weekend, but when I surpassed the 5-mile mark and still felt strong, I decided to just go for it and run my virtual 10K a week early.  The conditions were by no means perfect: my pace was slow, I didn't stretch before I left the house, my old IT band issues were starting to flare up, my pre-run carb loading consisted of chocolate chip cookies and pinot noir, and I wasn't even wearing my new top that I bought specifically for race day.  I just had a sudden urge to seize the day and do something for myself, and now I can check my first postpartum 10K off my list for the summer.  I didn't achieve my goal time, but I ran the whole time, despite feeling tired and overwhelmed this week, and I'm going to count that as an accomplishment.

Orca Running Club virtual 10K medal.  This might be one of my favorite race medals ever.

At the end of the day, I'm thankful to live in a place where I can experience the outdoors in a safe and socially distanced way, and to be healthy enough to exercise.  And I will savor this one hour of alone time that I have and be thankful for all the things that fill my life, despite the exhaustion of it all sometimes.

And when I feel discouraged and overwhelmed, when I feel like I'm trying to do it all and failing, I'll think of this quote from Denzel Washington: 

"I've found that nothing in life is worthwhile unless you take risks... Fall forward.  Every failed experiment is one step closer to success.  You've got to take risks... You will fail at some point in your life.  Accept it.  You will lose.  You will embarrass yourself.  You will suck at something.  There is no doubt about it... Never be discouraged.  Never hold back.  Give everything you've got.  And when you fall throughout life... fall forward."