Spring and Self-Preservation

New tulips in my front garden

Trees and bushes in bloom

Backyard blossoms

After six days of travel, I arrived home to see the tulips I planted last fall starting to bloom!  I have had a horrible time with gardening in the Southwest (and, admittedly, I'm just not dedicated enough to the task), so this is the first time I have successfully planted something that has bloomed.  It gives me a renewed sense of belief in the process and hope for the future.

While traveling and welcoming the season of spring, I have been reflecting on self-care.  I intentionally named this post something other than "self-care" because it has become such a buzz word lately and has been completely misconstrued to signify selfishness and entitlement that doesn't seem to benefit anyone.  Self-care or self-preservation should be about taking care of ourselves so that we may better serve others, and I strive to get to the heart of what beneficial and productive self-care actually looks like.  I have many mixed feelings about so-called "self-care," and here are my three biggest pet peeves around the term:

1.  Using the excuse of "self-care" to not fulfill a commitment to another person. While it is respectable to be able to say "no" to overcommitment and to acknowledge the limit of one's energy, it is never okay to drop the ball on a responsibility to others.  "Self-care" doesn't mean backing out of a project or commitment when the work load gets intense.  If you say you're going to do something, and you make that commitment, then do it.  Otherwise it lands in someone else's lap, and what about that person's self-care?  

2.  The privilege of pampering and relaxation.  I love nothing more than a quiet night with wine and book, but I also recognize the privilege of I have in being able to enjoy unproductive time to myself and spend money on expensive wine, a luxury most people in the world never have.  Similarly, spending $18 on a yoga class followed by $4 on a coffee sounds like a morning of perfection to me (complete with Instagram photos of my cappuccino art, of course), but again, this reeks of entitlement.  While relaxation and pampering are enjoyable activities for those who have access to them, I don't think this is really "self-care."  Relaxation, alone time, and trips to the spa may provide a benefit in that moment and may contribute to reducing stress sometimes, but "self-care" should be something more compassionate and intentional.

3.  Does our current idea of self-care actually make anything better?  Sometimes I feel better after going to bed early, or skipping a night out and reading instead, or even having just a 5 minute break from my rambunctious toddler, but I don't know that these moments actually provide lasting benefit or betterment to ourselves or others.  Does a gel manicure or "overspending at Target" (yes, real examples of #selfcare on Instagram) make anyone's world better?  Does that wine or fancy coffee really make me feel happy?  Do the selfies we take make us feel more connected?  Maybe the answer is yes sometimes, but maybe these experiences also just make other people feel badly about themselves or resentful about all the things another person seems to enjoy, and then it becomes counter-productive.  There must be a form of self-care that actually creates lasting change and betterment of ourselves that doesn't negatively impact others.

Why does self-care have to be selfish?  It originated in the idea of no longer putting yourself last, in recognizing boundaries and feeling comfortable with saying "no," but does that mean you have to put yourself first, or neglect commitments to others?  Can't self-care also be the effort of weeding out negativity and doing things that bring us joy?  Why can't we express self-care through volunteering or serving others?  Or celebrating someone else?  And can we be altruistic and generous without harming ourselves in the process?


In pondering these questions, I have come up with some examples of self-care (or, more accurately, self-preservation) for myself that I think will serve my intended purpose:

1.  To set boundaries, especially around friendships and relationships that are toxic or hurtful, and to quit making excuses for abusive behavior.
2.  To stand up for myself at work and approach conflict in a professional and confident manner, instead of being fearful of confrontation, and to have the conversations that are tough.
3.  To limit screen time, especially at night.
4.  To be intentional, wakeful, and present in interactions, and to be joyful in my parenting.
5.  To say "yes" when someone offers to help.
6.  To examine and challenge existing beliefs, admit mistakes, embrace opportunities to learn, and strive to be more aware of stereotyping and intrinsic bias.
7.  To stop the "girl meanness" - give positive vibes only.
8.  To create time for more exercise, to make skin care a priority, to intentionally eat more nutritiously, and to cut back on caffeine and alcohol.
9.  To selflessly dedicate time to others, as long as I am not harming myself in the process.
10.  And, okay, to go to the $18 yoga class and drink the $4 cup of coffee if it's actually important to preserving my strength, attention, breath, mood, and compassion.

How do you take care of yourself so that you may better take care of others?