Motherhood Musings

Mother's Day is a time of joy and gratitude for some, a day of honoring the strength and kindness that mothers bring to the world, a time of celebrating our relationship with own mothers and our connections to our community of mothers and mother-like figures.  It's also a complicated day of loss, grief, longing, and feelings of inadequacy for many, of silent struggles and relived trauma, a time of reflecting on the expectations of women and mothers and the immense responsibility of nurturing the next generation.  Mother's Day is as dynamic and complicated as the role of a mother itself.  This year I am so thankful to have two healthy, intelligent, kind daughters who make me smile and laugh every day, I appreciate the wisdom and the guidance of my mother and grandmothers whose hard work helped pave the way for the life that I have, and I celebrate the pregnancies in our extended families and the new babies making their way Earth side later this year.

Motherhood is a journey that calls for constant adaptation and self-reflection.  Just when we feel confident that we have conquered one stage of development and that we are connecting to and bonding with our children, they change from infants to toddlers and from preschoolers to tiny independent people and the whole process must begin anew.  As we adapt to every new obstacle and our ever-changing children, we learn more about ourselves too.  Every day is a struggle to find the perfect balance of keeping our children safe by our sides while also allowing them to explore their world, the balance between protection and discovery, the need to create safety and boundaries while also respecting our children's autonomy and independence while they grown into little humans.  And while part of us recognizes the importance of experiencing and witnessing a wide range of emotions and experiences, part of us also yearns to protect our children from sadness or negativity in the world.  

There's a lot of pressure on mothers to set the tone for the household and to manifest joy in the family.  Mothers are tasked with making every birthday and holiday and family gathering special, with creating an atmosphere of happiness and joy to serve as the backdrop to children's memories, and to be cognizant of all the details for the household.  A mother's work is never done, and when mothers succeed in creating a joyful home there is very little recognition or gratitude for the work that went into that beautiful creation, but it's noticed when things don't go perfectly as planned.  Mothers must keep it together, create a space of sanctuary, and oversee a household that is nurturing and supportive and free from chaos.  As a mother I am constantly reminded that the home I create will define not just the upbringing of my children but their outlook on life, their interactions with others, their relationship with themselves and with future partners, their confidence in going out into the world, and the values they will hold within themselves as the go through their lives.  Many memoirs and narratives about childhood experiences stem from the expectation of mothers to create a happy childhood for their children.  While being a mother brings me more joy than I have ever known, I hope that with each generation we can move into a more supportive, balanced, and feminist outlook that recognizes that joy comes from the entire family and from the community we are a part of, shifting the demand away from the mother as one responsible for the happiness of the entire family.  

Every day as a mother means coming face to face with all of our many inadequacies and personal faults and making a conscious choice each day to be better for our children.  Infant parenting came naturally to be, but evolving into caring for a toddler and a soon-to-be kindergartener calls for a different set of skills and understanding.  As my children get older I worry that our conflicts and struggles will stay in their memory and will negatively influence the people they become.  There is so much pressure to respond the right way in every encounter, and so much guilt that the mistakes we make now will scar our children for life.  Mothers pass on traditions, legacies, and sometimes trauma to their sons and daughters, which forms the foundation of who they will become as people.  As mothers we need to accept that we are good enough, and with each sunrise we make the choice to continue to do our best.  

There's a popular narrative of mothers giving up a part of themselves or giving up the person they wanted to become in order to be a mother.  Mothers are described as sacrificing, giving up everything for their children, and always putting their children ahead of their own needs.  But while motherhood certainly entails sacrifice every single day, I refuse to believe that we are giving up a part of ourselves.  Instead I believe that we are enhanced and that our qualities shine brighter as a mother.  We are not diminished.  Of course I miss free time and uninterrupted alone time.  I wish I could go to a yoga class whenever I wanted, or go for a bike ride or a run alone without feeling guilty.  I wish I had more time to read or write without anyone demanding something from me.  And I have moments of resentment, but it's never meant to be directed at my children.  There are many parallel lives I envision, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't choose this one again and again.  I'm learning to steal time when I need it because no one is going to just give it to me, and I will continue to make time for all the many important parts of my life outside of caring for my children.  I know that I am a better clinician and a better leader and a better member of my community because I am a mother.  Motherhood makes us dazzle more brilliantly, and traits I work on every single day to be better to my children will serve me in all my other life roles as well.  

I would be remiss to write a reflection on motherhood this week without acknowledging the attack on bodies, freedom, and access to healthcare that is occurring on a national scale for women, nonbinary and transgender individuals, and all those who depend on abortion services for the health and wellbeing of mothers/parents.  I'm disgusted and horrified, as many of you are, to watch history repeat itself and I mourn for the hundreds of thousands of women who have risked their lives and sacrificed their safety for reproductive rights and freedom that are still not available to many Americans.  Being a mother is so incredibly hard, forcing us to come face to face with our own inadequacies and our own lifetime of traumas, and calling us to constantly work toward being the person we want to be, and I couldn't imagine forcing this on someone who doesn't want it, who didn't plan for it, who didn't spend months or years preparing for it, or who isn't wholeheartedly ready to accept responsibility for another person.  Pregnancy and childbirth are physically demanding, sometimes traumatizing, and always permanently altering of pregnant person's bodies, and I can't imagine forcing someone to sustain months of fatigue, pain, and alterations to literally every body system if that person isn't physically prepared or medically optimizing to withstand a serious medical condition. 

Had I become pregnant in college or grad school, access to abortion would have given me the opportunity to finish my education and ensure a stable career path to support my future family.  Had I gotten pregnant before I was married or while I was engaged to my now-husband, access to abortion would have allowed us the much-needed time to work on our relationship, to plan the wedding we envisioned, and to strengthen our foundation as a couple before bringing children into our family.  When I miscarried my first pregnancy, I had access to medication to help my body pass the un-living tissues to prevent me from getting an infection and to ensure that my hormones could return to normal levels to support ovulation once again, a treatment that wouldn't be possible without abortion services.  And had I gotten pregnant too soon after having either of my girls, access to abortion would have allowed me the time to bond with my newborn, to successfully breastfeed, and to heal my own body before supporting another pregnancy too soon.  Through every step of adulthood and my journey to creating my family, I have known that abortion is a healthcare option that is available to me to help me have the family I dreamed of, had I ever needed to use this option.  If this intervention is taken away, I can't even envision the horrible impact it will have on our economy, graduation rates, maternal death, support for foster care, food scarcity, homelessness, equality and diversity in various career fields, crime rates, and so many other aspects of society that are impacted by birth rates and unplanned pregnancies, but I do have faith that people will continue to advocate to protect these rights and freedoms, while also advocating for legislation and services to support mothers once children are born.   

Motherhood is not something that happens in an instant, from a pregnancy test or a birth experience or an adoption process, but it's a journey that is ever evolving as we fit into this identity and discover more about who we are and what we are capable of.  Childhood goes by so fast, but with that consciousness our senses are sharpened and we pay attention to the details, knowing they are fleeting.  I dream of a world in which everyone who wants to be a mother has a path to becoming one, and everyone who doesn't want this for their life has the opportunity to live a fulfilling and enriching life without children.