Tuesday Tidbits: Gratitude

We're eight months into the pandemic now, and here in New Mexico we're under a strict shelter in place/stay at home order.  I'm so thankful for our state and local governments for the difficult decisions they are forced to make to keep residents of our state safe and give our hospitals a chance to care for people, but it's also really hard to witness so many people out of work and continuing to struggle with no end in sight, and makes me furious with our federal government for the negligence that has led us to this point.  It is inconceivable to hold individuals accountable to save their communities without mandates to guide people's behavior in many states, and I can't help but wonder if it's too late for the United States to come back from this.  Everyone is tired, and frustrated, and burned out, and I think we are all starting to realize that "normalcy" is years away.  Every hospital in the state is beyond full and I worry about the upcoming weeks when we will no longer have beds for critically ill people.

This week has been especially hard as we approach the holiday season and think about all the people who are lacking basic shelter, financial security, food, water, human connection, or who have empty chairs at their dinner table because of loved ones lost to the virus.  There are days when I feel completely overwhelmed and that my current routine is in no way sustainable, but other days I think I am figuring out some long-term solutions and finding balance for myself.  It's a work in progress.  It's really hard to be so far away from family in a time when travel is impossible, but I'm thankful for my local community and the belief that we're all in this together.

Here are a few tidbits about life lately, and what I'm feeling grateful for right now:

Health: As the weeks go by, we have more and more frequent "COVID scares" as we hear about more individuals we've been in contact with testing positive.  As a parent, every runny nose or low-grade fever is exponentially more nerve-racking in the midst of the pandemic, and I am so grateful for every day that my family is healthy.  Teething has been rough for Meredith, and we all dealt with colds and allergies this season, but I'm thankful that we have avoided urgent care and also that we've had access to preventative care, checkups, dentist appointments and regular vaccines.

Zoom:  I don't know how we would get through this year without Zoom, FaceTime, and Skype.  Professionally, the majority of work meetings, safety huddles, workshops and conferences have moved to an online format (and I anticipate this continuing to be the case long-term), but Zoom has also connected us socially.  I haven't been able to see any of my family members since March, but I look forward to seeing their faces electronically.  They all sang to Ady for her birthday on Zoom.  My book club has primarily been meeting via Zoom, and my girlfriends and I recently had a virtual wine tasting event.  I sure miss the connection of being together in person, and Zoom fatigue is definitely a real thing, but I don't know what I would do without it.

Coworkers:  One of the unique aspects of working in the COVID unit is the team-based approach to care and the support of the interdisciplinary team that surpasses that of other units.  There's less delineation of roles and more teamwork, less hierarchy and more lifting each other up.  In the past couple weeks I had to take some unexpected days off work when my kids' school closed due to a COVID exposure, and I'm so thankful for my coworkers who stepped up to see my patients and supervise my students at the last minute, and for my department's leadership for their understanding and flexibility.  With social distancing guidelines we are really missing out on the camaraderie we used to have as a department and the opportunities to laugh together, but I think we're still finding ways to support each other and be part of each other's lives.

Healthy Food: A number of our local grocery stores have closed due to COVID exposures, especially those in lower income areas, and I worry a lot about people who can't access groceries.  We're already in a desperate situation financially in this community and in our entire country, and there are so many people who can't afford to put a Thanksgiving meal on the table, and now there are added layers of limited access to resources.  I stood in line to get into a store with my kids in tow last Thursday so we could buy our turkey, and I kept thinking about all the families who don't have access to transportation, or time to stand in line, or a way to keep their kids safe so they can get groceries.  My heart breaks for the struggling families in this community, and I am thankful every day that my kids don't go to sleep hungry.  

Local Restaurants:  Speaking of food, I'm thankful for local restaurants who have stayed open and provided takeout meals throughout the year.  This year, for the first time ever, I ordered Thanksgiving pies from my favorite local bakery (Chocolate Maven) instead of baking for the occasion.  I love to bake, but the thought of rolling pie crusts and spending hours in the kitchen when my work and home life is already overwhelming felt like too much this year, and I love supporting a local business.

Family:  The constant anxiety and unknowns of this year are really hard on relationships.  Most days I feel like a terrible spouse and mother and I just don't have the energy to be the person I want to be.  I'm so thankful for my family for standing by me, for their understanding and forgiveness, and for the opportunities we have to grow together this year.  In the last month Meredith has been saying some words, clapping her hands, climbing up the stairs, and pulling up to stand.  It's such a fun and interactive age!  And she adores her big sister.  Ady is getting so good at her numbers and letters and we're starting to work on reading.  She has an incredible memory and imagination and I love listening to her play with her babies.  They bring me so much joy on days when I am completely spent.

First turkey day for this little turkey

Laughter:  I've always been drawn to people who have a really good sense of humor and who don't take themselves too seriously, and I especially appreciate that during challenging times.  My family makes me laugh every day, and when I'm frustrated or impatient with my kids I just think about all the really funny things they did that day.  Working in healthcare, the humor (sometimes dark) is what gets us through each day, I think.  Laughter is the best medicine.

Friends:  Whether we are working overtime, working from home, or unemployed this year, whether living alone or living with a house full of noisy kids, everyone is under a great deal of strain, and yet, despite our own needs and worries, I think we are also more understanding and more forgiving this year.  I haven't spend time indoors with friends since March, but I think we're all working to maintain and strengthen the close friendships we care about.  Through cards in the mail, contactless gift drop-offs, Zoom happy hours, texting each other memes, sharing books and baked goods, hiking with masks, and socially distanced meet-ups in parks, I feel incredibly supported by my community.  

Sunrise:  For the past few weeks, I've been able to watch the sun rising over the mountains on my way to work, and it's such a beautiful and meditative way to start the day.  The sunrise is a reminder to start the day fresh, to wipe the slate clean, and to gather resources and energy to get through it again.

Hope:  As the election results were confirmed and Joe Biden received the highest number of votes in U.S. history, I was filled with a sense of hope for the first time in a very long time.  I didn't realize how much fear and anxiety I was holding until I listened to Joe and Kamala's speeches and physically felt a weight lifted.  This is what leadership, ambition, integrity, and unity looks like.  I am thankful for the hope that we are all allowed to feel now and the healing that can start to happen in 2021.

Ady's gratitude tree